Run!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now.....
Now, I'm back to UMS
Why?
Well... the real reason I'm here is to run away
If I can count the percentage of how much I want to run away compared to how much I want to study..ermm....maybe 80% of it is to run away.
The urge to run away from home, from Sarawak, is so great that I don't even care to look back anymore? I guess...
Yeah...I'm being selfish, yes, I admit it!
But...
How can I not be selfish when my heart ache every now and then?
How can I not be selfish when I can't even stand to look at people around me anymore?
How can I not be selfish when I can't even stand to listen to people talking about me?
The pain is so severe that I can't even explain it in words...
and the pain is so deep that everytime I think about it, my chest feel heavy and my tears start to fall
Isn't that enough reason to run away?
I've been bearing that pain ever since I finish my study...its been 1 and half year...
and how much longer do I need to bear all that pain?
So...here I am now...running away from all my problems
Loser? Yes, I admit I'm being a loser here.

Wah, lamanya aku x blogging nie.
Ni la manusia, cepat bosan.
Aku xbosan tp xda modal da nie.
Apala yg ada kat seorang 'PENANAM ANGGUR' or mcm yg adik aku ckp 'KETUA KAMPUNG'
Aku xda modal nak tls, xda idea nak serabut kan otak aku....
Apa yg ada juz keluhan dr hari ke hari.
Smakin lma hdp mcm ni, smkn sesak dada n otak...

Aku skrg sesat di dlm terang!
Walau sberapa terang pun jalan di depan ku, aku tetap sesat....

Aku...

Hlg arah,
Hlg panduan,
Hlg pedoman,
Hlg perancangan...

Ke manakah harus ku tuju?
Ke manakah harus ku mlangkah?

Di saat aku mula mlihat scebis cahaya di kjauhan,
Di saat hatiku mula mlonjak klegaan,
Di saat itulah juga harapanku bkecai bak kaca terhempas ke batu....

Harus bagaimanakah ku kutip kaca harapan ku itu tanpa mlukai tanganku?
Harus bagaimanakah ku mula bjalan ke arah cahaya itu sedangkan ianya smakin mhilang dan meninggalkan aku sendirian?

Dan...

Harus bagaimanakah aku mcari di dalam kgelapan?

D new me?

Yeah...today I'm stepping into a new day with a new age but what's new with my life?

NOTHING.....

What have I achieve for all these 23 years?

Ermm......

Quite a few...

I got a lot of fren?

I'm browsing through my fb as usual n suddenly, my heart taps like no other day....

Suddenly I realize, nobody ever gonna wait for you even your best friend.

NOBODY!!!

That's the fact n the truth that's hard for me to swallow...

I always rely on my friends during my school year...I need them because most of the time I'm far from my family

Starting at the early age of 13, I started my life at the hostel...until the age of 22

What and where else can you depend or lay your heavy head on?

There goes my friends....

But.....

For how long?

Yes,today I've realized that you are on your own no matter what you do or where you are...

I'm ashamed of myself.....I'm not proud......

People only cares about you when you are in the top but once you've fall down, who's gonna catch you?

Face the reality my dear me...

Maybe I'm the only one who keeps on turning to the past...(browsing through old pictures and picturing all the memories)...

That's what been keeping me from feeling anything about other's success....I used to be happy for them

But.....

Today, I've realized that nobody is as emotional as me...

They've been marching forward fast....far from me...out of my reach...

I'm never going to catch up....

It's the first time that I feel something when I see my friends status or their pictures or their stories...

I've never felt this way before....

and its really hurt....

There's nowhere I can spill this feeling to....

I'm not the kind of people to force anybody to listen to my problem....

I just can write about it....

Sad?

Yeah...kind of

But don't feel sad for me, I can't never accept that....

input baru........

yuhuuuuu...........nie 1 post aku 4 2012...lamenyer..............
tahla.....dah xda citer bru kot.....
xpun xda idea da...........
kekeringan.....kekontangan....ke...pape j la.....

dah penat da aku bfikir...
penat da aku trima ilmu bru nie...
asyik input j tp xda output
leh mletup pala hotak aku yg kecik nie spn suma data2 nie

kalo hard disc pun leh penoh...pa lg otak aku...
skang nie pun aku ngah kut 1 lg kursus...
sgt2 bru bg aku tp kira kacang gak la...hehehhe
terer npk..............(kot la 2)

aku nie kiranya kne paksa kut kursus lexicography
dlm bahasa mdhnya, kursus wat dictionary
dahla 1mgg nie
stat kul 9 til 4.30,duk dgr org ckp n da la gak blaka kai software baru yg lg sng dr SPSS
yg amazingnya,org len (nie org Argentina) leh ckp bdyh n tau ayat2 lama tp org kita sdr jahil ttg 2 (aku krg sktla jahil ku...hehehehe.)
Da org kita eksen2 g ckp bhs len sesama sdr....kunun xmau ktinggalan tp bhs sdr hancus!!!!!!
"Kamek....kitak.....sik mauk.....iboh etc" kununla 2 kalo jumpa kwn tp klo org tya "meh muu man k nak?"
statla 2 bpeluh n gabra smcm j.....
bluek....hancus pya dak dayak!!!!!!!

bak 2 d story la (mls nak ulas byk2 sal org xsdr dr nie).....
aku kununya nie tgh bljr memartabatkan bhs sdr la nie.....(bangga5)...hehehhe.(sbnrmya rela dlm kterpaksaan)
hrmmmm................
mls ctr pjg2....las nnt klo da hsl ku tjk pa ku blaja......(tp kompom xda 2) hahahahaah

PENAT........>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Skang nie aku xtau nak wat pe lg nie...
penat aku.......
penat lelong resuma aku sana sini
penat pergi blk pos ofis
penat taip surat
N yg plag penat...
PENAT MENUNGGU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kes nie lg truk dr pas aku f 5 dl.....huhuhu
Mcm nie kot abang aku rasa lok pas grad....
1taun dia dok mcm nie gak......

TOLONG LA WAHAI2 MANUSIA
kami dl blaja susah2 gak
kami usaha gle2 gak nal hbskan blaja
tp skang xkan nie hasil kami blaja kot.............

Opps..............Mana 1 nie?

Dulu2 time kecik2 kita suma mana penah pikir byk2 kan?
Aku la....plg2 pon
Balik skul kalo xda game or latihan sukan trus terjun sungai...men kejar2 tangkap ikan...
xpon men sembunyi2 dalam utan blakang skul...besnyer.......

Time 2 mana penah pikir time besar nnt nak wat pe....nak sbg blaja k x...nak keje apa...
Xtau la aku kalo korg umur 7 8 taun da pikir hal dunia o negara nie...aku maintain j
Tme bpikir juz time wat math (coz aku gla math) n tme exam...pas2 pedulik apa aku nak bpikir lbh2.....

Masuk skul menengah awal2 dl pon aku xpkr pape till la form 3
Besa la 2...form 3 2 kira penentu jalan idup d masa depan...ceh...
Studi gle2 pya gle la tme 2....
Target nak msk klas sains.

Tup2....dpt gak msk...
Masuk la aku kat klas sains tme form 4
Masalahnya....geng2 sklas aku sengal2 la plak.....n mbuatkan aku xjadi bpikir n mrancang masa depan awal2...
Akibatnya....result hancus siketla.....gara2 kurang bpikir..
Pas2....
Masuk form 5 dgn smgt baru la nieh.....
Sma tawaran sbg blaja diisi dgn pnh konfiden...
Studi pon gle2 blk la.......
Plg gle...buku rujukan bio 2 da spi thp nak dtelan cz nak hafal suma fakta2 dlmnya...
Stat dr 2 la minda ini terbuka tuk bpikir sal hal negara....ceh.negara kunun...masa depan bah...

Stat la pkr sal nak msk matriks k amik dploma.....
Pas2 nak sbg mana lg?
Pas pnt bfkr (sbnrnya parents aku yg tlg fkrkan)
Aku msk la matriks n pas2 msk plak UMS.....
Tp kene fkr lg kos mana nak msk.......ughh....

Tme 1 thn kat matriks n 3 thn kat UMS nie la aku stat bahagi otak aku kat 2 choice.....
Tiap2 ari kene wat pilihan..
Klo plh yg 1,yg 1 lg tlepas....n sbaliknya la
Penat dowh....
Susah kan klo kita tpaksa wat pilihan...
Contohnya,even nak bl wafel pon kene pikir...klo aku bl wafel,aku xleh nak bl aiskrim cz tlalu byk snack 4 a day...(sbnrnya blasah gak bl dua2)

Akhirnya abis gak blaja aku n kengkawan aku nie...nak djadikan citer la
Tp citer blom abis lg
Skang nieh kene pikir hal len plak

Ha...nie la benda yg mengusutkan pikiran aku skang nie.....tp xla skusut kawan aku yg len cz ati aku da mula bisik2 ckp xmau keje kerajaan.......hehehe

So,pd mana2 kengkawan aku yg mengalami bende yg sama skang......klo btl korg xdpt nak wat plhn...sila jumpa o kal aku d talian....014-0000000...hehehhe.untuk nasihat n pandangan.
Caj murah akan dkenekan coz ikut harga kawan2 pya.....

Windunyer..............

Its been 2 weeks since I first come 2 STIDC....(with 2 sengal people...Ross n Wan.3)
n I think its been almost 1 month since I last blogging....
No access to internet....lies....no time....lies.....no mood...maybe...

Wan 2 share a bit la bout our 1st day here...
A bit shy (ceh...mcm budak baik plak)
A bit uncomfortable coz d environment is totally diff from school's life....

Nervous(100%) + Blur(100%) + Boring(100%) + Tired(50%)= Uncomfortable(200%) + Complaining(150%)

All three of us is sent to d same bahagian (Pembangunan Sumber) but into diff section n unit.
D 1st week,all we ever did was taking pictures n keep on digesting information provided by our bossess.

I think this is d 1st time tat I ever read n have 2 digest a lot of information in 1 day...quarter of it, d same thing we learnt in SPTA n the other are all new to us....

MIGRAINE.......

2ND week....
D pressure starts...........

Stacks of files........
Lines of numbers.......
A lot of dust..........

Hachoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My BRAIN is not functioning soooo well rite now

Above all...
95% of the staff here are all friendly....n really helpful
D remaining 5%,human's nature....being cocky n act big if they are in higher place than others...

D funny thing is....here,we are recognized by our Sabahan slanga...
Boleh bha kalo ko........................

How I miss Sabah n geng2 SPTA

2 Ross n Wan.3:Bertahan....Bertahan....Bertahan

Another Long Journey Comes 2 an End 2

Another page of my story....

After d intro 2 SPTA, my life changed slowly...

Starting 4m my circle of friends,

I think I've made quite a big circle of friend
I've managed 2 widen my world by knowing a lot of people...including their various characteristic,personality n etc....
I've got 2 know who my real friends are,just so2 friends n most of all I've managed 2 c how some people pretend 2 b ur friend but at d end,just a black n stray fox,waiting 4 d rite time 2 catch n bite u 2 pieces...
Thanks 2 all...I've managed 2 experienced all tiz precious n memorable moments..

4
D moments we shared,
D laugh,tears,sweats,fight,quarrel n many more...n even d food n drinks we shared
Through all tiz time...

TQ...

Without all of u,I don't think I can go through all these 3 years all alone...
Without all of u,I don't think I can walk through this path all alone...

A litre of tears can't explain how I feel rite now...

Above all...

All of these will stay deep in my heart n will b kept well as long as I breath

of coz I can't promise tat I still can remember it all if I happen 2 lost my memory but who knows, only God knows what He plans 4 us....

4 my bestest friends:Rose,Afen,Ika,Along,Pat2,Wong,Kahoc,Wen Hong,Clen,Maslizah n Ming Rei...TQ 4 being my best of best friends n 4 being there 4 me when I need o don't need u.hehehe

4 my fellow knights of armor in SPTA:Azira,Syaz,Dayang,Wan,Ilya,Liyana,Wei2,San2 n many3 more,huh...so many la...TQ 4 helping me 2 create a big n beautiful picture of my life in SPTA

4 my lecturers esp:Pn. Hardawati n Miss Maria n all others...TQ 4 being a guidance,a teacher n a leader 2 me....

4 d FOX:TQ cz u've made me experience d bitter n tasteful of life as a person

These are some of our precious moments....

*Credits 2 all d photographers 4 these photos


There's still a long journey awaits in front of us n who knows,by times we will meet n have a good chat in d future..............

Another long journey comes 2 an END...

Its been 3 years since I 1st entered UMS...
It feels like its just been yesterday when I reached UMS at night,taking a long n tired journey all over 4m Kuching 2 KK...
Dragging 2 big bags with me...
All d way up 2 my temporary room at Kg A...
Went through MSM...(A lonely n tiring week)
Been introduced 2 SPTA lecturers n seniors...

Oya,my 1st ever friends in SPTA r' Rosenani (been friend since Form 4),

Shea Chan Loong (whom I called Along cz at 1st I couldn't catch his name properly)

n Leong Siew Fang@Fang2 (still remember her broken BM).(d girl in dark blue shirt)

Used 2 walk all over 4m DKP 2 SPTA cz they hav 2 meet their P.A.(Dr. John)


But...
D real journey started when I went 4 d first field trip with all of d 1st year students 2 Taman Pertanian Sabah, Tenom...(can't find d pictures cz 2 many pictures taken all these years)
That was d first step 4 us 2 mingle around other than doing d field work...
Been in a group mixed with chinese n indian girls n guys
(D concept of 1Malaysia haven't been introduced at tat time but in SPTA U can c it)
Can mixed well with all of them was 1 of d bonus living in UMS as SPTA student

I am not a person 2 mingle around n b friendly at a short time...
I rather sit n talk only when I was asked cz I don't want people 2 hav bad 1st impression bout me...
Other reasons: I tend 2 b too comfortable 2 speak when I feel that, that person is interesting 2 talk 2...

Our journey continued with Family Camp....
held by SPTA staffs n seniors 4 d juniors
When I 1st heard bout it, I feel really bad...
I hate d concept where seniors r' given chance 2 torture n bully their juniors...
But...
Now I know d meaning behind this
Family Camp is not just 2 bully n torture juniors just like what I used 2 think of
It was a way 2 get 2 know your seniors,SPTA staffs n d real meaning of Forestry
It is an introduction 2 all juniors 2 get ready n open their hearts toward Forestry
It was fun actually...
U hav d chance 2 know ur fellow friends,seniors,
U can experience d life in d forest,
U can learn how 2 survive in d forest,
U can learn how 2 respect people,etc

1 thing I really can't 4get bout our Family Camp...
D nite when all of us was forced 2 get in2 d river at 2-3am in d morning (It was said tat 'Kena Rendam' is d tradition in SPTA) 4 about 5-10 minutes while singing our hearts loud
B4 tat all of us was seated on d wet n cold ground...
Where all of d facilitators yelled at us without reasons...(Still their yelling voice can't fight our sleepiness,most of us got yelled at cz we fall asleep while waiting 4 d highlight of d night)
It was really5 a mind n body torture 2 all of us
Tat was d 1st time I ever cried because I can't feel anything anymore
It was like all ur tiredness,sleepiness n all d 'ness' gone
Juz d feelings of hatred towards seniors reach their maximum level
I almost died of cold after that...cz I really can't stand being cold

N'

1 person I can't get out of my hatred towards him...
A senior called Jack...
He had been so sarcastic 2 me cz I didn't get massaged at my neck 4m d back by d person sitting at my back (coincidentally it was Rose) as requested
'Kamu,kenapa kamu xmau kena urut?Geli ka?Kalo geli mari sini saya tolong urutkan!'
Yo...I really can't get a massaged esp at my neck area cz it will end up swelling!
4m tat moment,I really can't face him cz everytime I c him,I feel like punching him at his neck
Watcha...

Above all...tat was my 1st interesting n long journey in these 3 years

2 b continued...

wat to do?

It's been quite some time since I last blogging
Sooooo buzy with everything
with a lot going on around me, I can really feel my head working like a machine
Arggghhhhhhhh...........
Almost everyday I got headache ;(
plus less sleep ^^
plus lot of thinking **
about yesterday...2day and...2morrow

Wat have I done with my life for the past 21 years? @@
Wat am I doing rite now? ##
Wat will I do in the future? $$

There's always ????? appearing in my head

Wat to do??
Wat can I do??
Wat will I do??

Wish life can b a bit easier so I can live my life peacefully
BUT
Wat is life without problem, rite?
NO FUN man...

The picture hanging beside here is a picture of my fellow frenzy happy faces, after a lot of thorn and tear, joy and laugh, hoping to graduate tiz year....
Goodddddd Luckkkkkkkkkkkk 2 all of us!!!!!!!!!!!

Discouraged feeling.........

I dunno for how long or how many times I have been discouraged by others when I' m really into something.
That feeling is really like you are being left in a desert all alone with nothing but just with a bottle of water.
If you gonna drink that water all at once,you will die of thirst later but if you gonna drink it sip by sip,it will surely make you feel more thirsty.

So how to handle this matter?

Just try to put yourself into my situation,when you are really eager or interested in doing something,suddenly someone say 'Are you sure?' or 'Do whatever you want lah...'
Or when you sincerely or hopefully anticipating some kind of good reaction or idea from someone,he/she just slightly shrug his/her shoulder.
That s**** man.
The mood will flew out and the soul will be drawn out from your body.
Or something more like when you really need help and you are asking nicely to someone,he/she will just get up and walk with you without saying anything but later he/she will show some dissatisfaction or uninterested mood to you literally,what will that makes you look like?

I'm like a fool..........I dunno where my home is..........

Being a fool is not a cherish moment in anybody's life
So,don't turn someone into a fool coz later when you are in the same situation,you will definitely REGRET it......

D WORST Dinner ever........

Like wat d title says up there ^ last nite was t worst dinner I ever went 2.
Haiya............
Wat a waste.....of my money,time,energy and last minute effort.
Is tis wat they all called d 'Malam Pra-Graduan & Anugerah'?
Better they called it 'Malam Pra-Sekolah & Anugerah'

D management...huh.....nothing more 2 say la......Just imagine an event tat was conducted by a Form 1 student..................so......childish..............
D dinner tentative.......huh.....waste of time
D hall setup,......d guest almost gone deaf with an extra super loud speaker,placed in a small hall.....
D speech.......cause a loud laugh with a lot of 'tatabahasa' error.....plus d 'Ketua Pengarah, dress didn't match with d colour code.....Malunyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A fresh image of their usherette comes in my mind......
You are standing on d stage 4 d whole nite n wat are you thinking of wearing a short n fit dress like tat?????????
Cuci mata dowh/////////
D food...............haiya....D BIGGEST PROBLEM.........taste like BTC left-overs from lunch time......RM55 for nothing........
D most shocking part is when d mc said '2 all that got no anugerah 2nite,nevermind.Don't lose ur hope. U still can try next year,if not just EXTEND.' WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where d hell did you learn 2 say tat things in front of your pre-graduated seniors??????????
Wah.........these are not just all....a lot more 2 say but it's just gonna waste my time n energy 2 type it down..........


The only best part is.....d sporting characteristic of 3rd year students....
A big round of applause 2 us...hehehe
If the management team can't make us feel the joy of the nite,we just create it ourself lo.....
And d credit also goes 2 d lecturers........they all tried to cheer us all from their performances..........SPTA lecturers really ROCK!!!!

These are some pictures of d nite...........d 3rd year students la...
It not like every day you can see we all dress up like this...
Especially me la......only once a year if really necessary

Kemesraan Dulu......

Macam crita nostalgik la plak nie.........
Sikit la kot...
Kita baca lok lirik lagu nie..
Lagu yang akan menceritakan suma rasa kemesraan suatu ketika dahulu tapi sudah hilang bersama-sama waktu yang blalu


Kemesraan
Iwan Fals


Suatu hari
Dikala kita duduk ditepi pantai
Dan memandang
Ombak dilautan yang kian menepi

Burung camar
Terbang bermain diderunya air
Suara alam ini
Hangatkan jiwa kita

Sementara
Sinar surya perlahan mulai tenggelam
Suara gitarmu
Mengalunkan melodi tentang cinta

Ada hati
Membara erat bersatu
Getar seluruh jiwa
Tercurah saat itu

Kemesraan ini
Janganlah cepat berlalu
Kemesraan ini
Ingin kukenang selalu

Hatiku damai
Jiwaku tentram disampingmu
Hatiku damai
Jiwaku tentram bersamamu

Bersamamu


Sedih lak ku baca
Lagu nie da kaitan ngan kisah hidupku suatu ketika dahulu..
Kemesraan yang telah blalu tidak akan dapat kembali lagi walaupun air mata darah ku ingin gantikan dengannya...