Run!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now.....
Now, I'm back to UMS
Why?
Well... the real reason I'm here is to run away
If I can count the percentage of how much I want to run away compared to how much I want to study..ermm....maybe 80% of it is to run away.
The urge to run away from home, from Sarawak, is so great that I don't even care to look back anymore? I guess...
Yeah...I'm being selfish, yes, I admit it!
But...
How can I not be selfish when my heart ache every now and then?
How can I not be selfish when I can't even stand to look at people around me anymore?
How can I not be selfish when I can't even stand to listen to people talking about me?
The pain is so severe that I can't even explain it in words...
and the pain is so deep that everytime I think about it, my chest feel heavy and my tears start to fall
Isn't that enough reason to run away?
I've been bearing that pain ever since I finish my study...its been 1 and half year...
and how much longer do I need to bear all that pain?
So...here I am now...running away from all my problems
Loser? Yes, I admit I'm being a loser here.

Wah, lamanya aku x blogging nie.
Ni la manusia, cepat bosan.
Aku xbosan tp xda modal da nie.
Apala yg ada kat seorang 'PENANAM ANGGUR' or mcm yg adik aku ckp 'KETUA KAMPUNG'
Aku xda modal nak tls, xda idea nak serabut kan otak aku....
Apa yg ada juz keluhan dr hari ke hari.
Smakin lma hdp mcm ni, smkn sesak dada n otak...

Aku skrg sesat di dlm terang!
Walau sberapa terang pun jalan di depan ku, aku tetap sesat....

Aku...

Hlg arah,
Hlg panduan,
Hlg pedoman,
Hlg perancangan...

Ke manakah harus ku tuju?
Ke manakah harus ku mlangkah?

Di saat aku mula mlihat scebis cahaya di kjauhan,
Di saat hatiku mula mlonjak klegaan,
Di saat itulah juga harapanku bkecai bak kaca terhempas ke batu....

Harus bagaimanakah ku kutip kaca harapan ku itu tanpa mlukai tanganku?
Harus bagaimanakah ku mula bjalan ke arah cahaya itu sedangkan ianya smakin mhilang dan meninggalkan aku sendirian?

Dan...

Harus bagaimanakah aku mcari di dalam kgelapan?

D new me?

Yeah...today I'm stepping into a new day with a new age but what's new with my life?

NOTHING.....

What have I achieve for all these 23 years?

Ermm......

Quite a few...

I got a lot of fren?

I'm browsing through my fb as usual n suddenly, my heart taps like no other day....

Suddenly I realize, nobody ever gonna wait for you even your best friend.

NOBODY!!!

That's the fact n the truth that's hard for me to swallow...

I always rely on my friends during my school year...I need them because most of the time I'm far from my family

Starting at the early age of 13, I started my life at the hostel...until the age of 22

What and where else can you depend or lay your heavy head on?

There goes my friends....

But.....

For how long?

Yes,today I've realized that you are on your own no matter what you do or where you are...

I'm ashamed of myself.....I'm not proud......

People only cares about you when you are in the top but once you've fall down, who's gonna catch you?

Face the reality my dear me...

Maybe I'm the only one who keeps on turning to the past...(browsing through old pictures and picturing all the memories)...

That's what been keeping me from feeling anything about other's success....I used to be happy for them

But.....

Today, I've realized that nobody is as emotional as me...

They've been marching forward fast....far from me...out of my reach...

I'm never going to catch up....

It's the first time that I feel something when I see my friends status or their pictures or their stories...

I've never felt this way before....

and its really hurt....

There's nowhere I can spill this feeling to....

I'm not the kind of people to force anybody to listen to my problem....

I just can write about it....

Sad?

Yeah...kind of

But don't feel sad for me, I can't never accept that....

input baru........

yuhuuuuu...........nie 1 post aku 4 2012...lamenyer..............
tahla.....dah xda citer bru kot.....
xpun xda idea da...........
kekeringan.....kekontangan....ke...pape j la.....

dah penat da aku bfikir...
penat da aku trima ilmu bru nie...
asyik input j tp xda output
leh mletup pala hotak aku yg kecik nie spn suma data2 nie

kalo hard disc pun leh penoh...pa lg otak aku...
skang nie pun aku ngah kut 1 lg kursus...
sgt2 bru bg aku tp kira kacang gak la...hehehhe
terer npk..............(kot la 2)

aku nie kiranya kne paksa kut kursus lexicography
dlm bahasa mdhnya, kursus wat dictionary
dahla 1mgg nie
stat kul 9 til 4.30,duk dgr org ckp n da la gak blaka kai software baru yg lg sng dr SPSS
yg amazingnya,org len (nie org Argentina) leh ckp bdyh n tau ayat2 lama tp org kita sdr jahil ttg 2 (aku krg sktla jahil ku...hehehehe.)
Da org kita eksen2 g ckp bhs len sesama sdr....kunun xmau ktinggalan tp bhs sdr hancus!!!!!!
"Kamek....kitak.....sik mauk.....iboh etc" kununla 2 kalo jumpa kwn tp klo org tya "meh muu man k nak?"
statla 2 bpeluh n gabra smcm j.....
bluek....hancus pya dak dayak!!!!!!!

bak 2 d story la (mls nak ulas byk2 sal org xsdr dr nie).....
aku kununya nie tgh bljr memartabatkan bhs sdr la nie.....(bangga5)...hehehhe.(sbnrmya rela dlm kterpaksaan)
hrmmmm................
mls ctr pjg2....las nnt klo da hsl ku tjk pa ku blaja......(tp kompom xda 2) hahahahaah

PENAT........>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Skang nie aku xtau nak wat pe lg nie...
penat aku.......
penat lelong resuma aku sana sini
penat pergi blk pos ofis
penat taip surat
N yg plag penat...
PENAT MENUNGGU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kes nie lg truk dr pas aku f 5 dl.....huhuhu
Mcm nie kot abang aku rasa lok pas grad....
1taun dia dok mcm nie gak......

TOLONG LA WAHAI2 MANUSIA
kami dl blaja susah2 gak
kami usaha gle2 gak nal hbskan blaja
tp skang xkan nie hasil kami blaja kot.............

Opps..............Mana 1 nie?

Dulu2 time kecik2 kita suma mana penah pikir byk2 kan?
Aku la....plg2 pon
Balik skul kalo xda game or latihan sukan trus terjun sungai...men kejar2 tangkap ikan...
xpon men sembunyi2 dalam utan blakang skul...besnyer.......

Time 2 mana penah pikir time besar nnt nak wat pe....nak sbg blaja k x...nak keje apa...
Xtau la aku kalo korg umur 7 8 taun da pikir hal dunia o negara nie...aku maintain j
Tme bpikir juz time wat math (coz aku gla math) n tme exam...pas2 pedulik apa aku nak bpikir lbh2.....

Masuk skul menengah awal2 dl pon aku xpkr pape till la form 3
Besa la 2...form 3 2 kira penentu jalan idup d masa depan...ceh...
Studi gle2 pya gle la tme 2....
Target nak msk klas sains.

Tup2....dpt gak msk...
Masuk la aku kat klas sains tme form 4
Masalahnya....geng2 sklas aku sengal2 la plak.....n mbuatkan aku xjadi bpikir n mrancang masa depan awal2...
Akibatnya....result hancus siketla.....gara2 kurang bpikir..
Pas2....
Masuk form 5 dgn smgt baru la nieh.....
Sma tawaran sbg blaja diisi dgn pnh konfiden...
Studi pon gle2 blk la.......
Plg gle...buku rujukan bio 2 da spi thp nak dtelan cz nak hafal suma fakta2 dlmnya...
Stat dr 2 la minda ini terbuka tuk bpikir sal hal negara....ceh.negara kunun...masa depan bah...

Stat la pkr sal nak msk matriks k amik dploma.....
Pas2 nak sbg mana lg?
Pas pnt bfkr (sbnrnya parents aku yg tlg fkrkan)
Aku msk la matriks n pas2 msk plak UMS.....
Tp kene fkr lg kos mana nak msk.......ughh....

Tme 1 thn kat matriks n 3 thn kat UMS nie la aku stat bahagi otak aku kat 2 choice.....
Tiap2 ari kene wat pilihan..
Klo plh yg 1,yg 1 lg tlepas....n sbaliknya la
Penat dowh....
Susah kan klo kita tpaksa wat pilihan...
Contohnya,even nak bl wafel pon kene pikir...klo aku bl wafel,aku xleh nak bl aiskrim cz tlalu byk snack 4 a day...(sbnrnya blasah gak bl dua2)

Akhirnya abis gak blaja aku n kengkawan aku nie...nak djadikan citer la
Tp citer blom abis lg
Skang nieh kene pikir hal len plak

Ha...nie la benda yg mengusutkan pikiran aku skang nie.....tp xla skusut kawan aku yg len cz ati aku da mula bisik2 ckp xmau keje kerajaan.......hehehe

So,pd mana2 kengkawan aku yg mengalami bende yg sama skang......klo btl korg xdpt nak wat plhn...sila jumpa o kal aku d talian....014-0000000...hehehhe.untuk nasihat n pandangan.
Caj murah akan dkenekan coz ikut harga kawan2 pya.....

Windunyer..............

Its been 2 weeks since I first come 2 STIDC....(with 2 sengal people...Ross n Wan.3)
n I think its been almost 1 month since I last blogging....
No access to internet....lies....no time....lies.....no mood...maybe...

Wan 2 share a bit la bout our 1st day here...
A bit shy (ceh...mcm budak baik plak)
A bit uncomfortable coz d environment is totally diff from school's life....

Nervous(100%) + Blur(100%) + Boring(100%) + Tired(50%)= Uncomfortable(200%) + Complaining(150%)

All three of us is sent to d same bahagian (Pembangunan Sumber) but into diff section n unit.
D 1st week,all we ever did was taking pictures n keep on digesting information provided by our bossess.

I think this is d 1st time tat I ever read n have 2 digest a lot of information in 1 day...quarter of it, d same thing we learnt in SPTA n the other are all new to us....

MIGRAINE.......

2ND week....
D pressure starts...........

Stacks of files........
Lines of numbers.......
A lot of dust..........

Hachoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My BRAIN is not functioning soooo well rite now

Above all...
95% of the staff here are all friendly....n really helpful
D remaining 5%,human's nature....being cocky n act big if they are in higher place than others...

D funny thing is....here,we are recognized by our Sabahan slanga...
Boleh bha kalo ko........................

How I miss Sabah n geng2 SPTA

2 Ross n Wan.3:Bertahan....Bertahan....Bertahan